1.
“Borrow” them and never give
them back. Or give them back looking considerably damaged and pretend not to
notice when I point out said damage to you. (“Oh, wasn’t there a tear on the
cover when you lent it to me?” NO, there was NOT!)
2.
Eat something like pizza or
crisps and then pick up a book in your greasy greasy fingers. Same goes for
people who have been holding a cold drink in their hands. Do you not notice that your hands are wet? Step away from the books. I mean you. Yes, you.
3.
Poke hardcover books with sharp
objects because you want to see just how hard the cover is. If you want to know
how hard the cover of a book is, there is a very simple way of finding out: you
can look at it, and you can touch it. And if your curiosity still isn’t
satisfied, take it from me, any sharp
object you care to name will be
harder than the cover, and it will
damage my book. Now put the penknife down and walk away before I shoot you.
4.
Take a book off the shelf, then
leave it lying on the shelf for me to
put back. Or put the book back…but in the wrong place. Or put the book back in
the right place, but upside down (do you read upside down? Are you some strange
reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci?) Or—and this has to irk me the most—put the
book back but in such a careless manner that the corner of the cover gets
folded. No, no, no. Tell you what. Tell me
you want to read one of my books, let me
get for you, and then, when you’re done with it, give it back to me so I can put it back where it
belongs.
5.
Spill things on my books and
then close the book hoping I won’t notice. This inevitably results in me trying
to read the book several months later, and then discovering that whatever it was
you spilled on the book has made the pages all sticky/stained/very disgusting. If
you do spill something by accident, just tell
me so I can clean up the mess while I still can.
Now, now, Sopwith old thing, take a deep breath and count to ten - some of your books have obviously had a few bad experiences in the past - perhaps you should install some kind of booby trap around your bookcase. Next time some careless person comes borrowing without your permission they could be in for a nasty shock....
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could ask Algy for a few ideas - he knows all about what to do when people mess about wiith his stuff... ;)
What I'd like to do to the people who ruin my books is not printable and most certainly not legal. I don't think a booby trap would give me the same satisfaction!
ReplyDeleteSoppy,if I were you and my books kept coming back worse than when they went out I wouldn't lend them to anybody, EVER again!
ReplyDeleteThis morning we awoke to the sound of our cocker spaniel ripping something. She had taken a book from the lower shelf of a bookcase in the hall and torn a chunk from the front cover. Which bookcase? One of my Biggles ones.
ReplyDeleteAnd the book? Homework? Deep Blue Sea? Thankfully no. The paperback novelisation of the movie by Larry Milne. Something to be thankful for at least. But now I have to work out how to protect my books from dogs instead of careless people!
At least with dogs they really don't know better, but with people who SHOULD know better...it just makes me want to go all Battle of the Flowers and blow up some lettuce.
ReplyDeleteI must say that if I got books back in the condition(s) you describe, the culprits would have to be put on the endangered list.
ReplyDeleteI sure as eggs wouldn't be lending them any more - I don't think I'd ever talk to them again.
And I think even dogs should appreciate the importance of Biggles books! Maybe she thought it would be a tasty read... something she could really sink her teeth into... one to chew over later...
Sorry, I'll go now.
Sometimes I don't lend them--people just take them. "Oh, by the way, popped into your cubicle yesterday, but you weren't there so I borrowed..."
ReplyDelete